Hidden in Plain Sight: Understanding Grooming, Red Flags and Coercive Control

Recent high-profile cases have brought renewed attention to grooming, coercive control and the ways abuse can be hidden in plain sight.

These cases are deeply distressing. They also raise important questions for parents, carers, families, organisations and communities. How can harm happen in places where trust already exists? Why are warning signs sometimes missed? And what can we do to better recognise unhealthy patterns before they escalate?

Grooming and coercive control are often misunderstood. They do not always begin with obvious abuse. In many cases, they develop gradually through trust, attention, dependency and the slow crossing of boundaries.

What grooming can look like

Grooming is a process where someone builds trust, access or influence in order to exploit or harm another person. It can happen to children, young people and adults.

It may involve:

• Giving special attention, gifts or praise
• Offering lifts, support or opportunities
• Sending private messages
• Creating secrets or “special” relationships
• Becoming overly involved in a young person’s life
• Encouraging emotional dependency
• Blurring normal boundaries between an adult and a child or young person

One of the reasons grooming can be so difficult to spot is that, at the beginning, some behaviours may appear kind, helpful or supportive. The concern is not always one single action, but the pattern that develops over time.

Trusted spaces can create blind spots

Children and young people often spend time in trusted community spaces such as sports clubs, youth groups, faith settings, hobby groups, coaching environments and online communities.

These spaces can be incredibly positive. They can build confidence, friendship, belonging and opportunity. However, trust can also create blind spots.

When an adult is well known, respected, talented or seen as part of the community, people may be less likely to question their behaviour. Parents may feel reassured because the person or setting is familiar. Young people may feel grateful, loyal or unable to speak up.

This is why safeguarding cannot rely on reputation or trust alone. Clear boundaries, open communication and safe reporting routes matter in every setting.

Understanding coercive control

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used to dominate, isolate or frighten another person. It is not always physical. It can be emotional, psychological, financial or social.

It may include:

• Jealousy or possessiveness
• Monitoring someone’s movements, messages or friendships
• Pressure, threats or intimidation
• Humiliation or criticism
• Isolation from friends or family
• Making someone feel responsible for another person’s behaviour
• Creating fear about what might happen if they leave or speak out

Coercive control can be particularly hard to recognise when it builds slowly. A person may not immediately see the behaviour as abusive, especially if it has been normalised over time or began when they were young.

Red flags parents and carers can look out for

Parents and carers do not need to become suspicious of every trusted adult or every activity. Most people working with children and young people do so safely and appropriately.

However, it is important to stay alert to behaviour that feels unusual or inappropriate.

Possible red flags include:

• An adult seeking unnecessary one-to-one time with a child or young person
• Private messaging or contact outside normal channels
• Gifts, lifts or special treatment that are not transparent
• A young person becoming secretive about a relationship
• A young person becoming unusually anxious, withdrawn or defensive
• A young person seeming unable to say no or set boundaries
• An adult discouraging involvement from parents, carers or others
• Behaviour that makes you feel uneasy, even if you cannot immediately explain why

A red flag does not automatically mean abuse is taking place. But it should prompt questions, curiosity and, where necessary, action.

What can parents and communities do?

Prevention starts with open conversations, children and young people need to know what healthy relationships feel like. They need to understand that respect, consent and boundaries matter in every relationship. They also need to know that if something feels uncomfortable, confusing or frightening, they can speak to a trusted adult and be taken seriously.

Parents and carers can help by:

• Talking regularly about healthy and unhealthy relationships
• Encouraging children to trust their instincts
• Making it clear that uncomfortable secrets are not okay
• Asking about who they spend time with, online and offline
• Knowing the safeguarding arrangements in clubs, groups and activities
• Raising concerns early rather than waiting for certainty

Organisations also have a responsibility to create safe cultures. This means clear safeguarding policies, proper supervision, safe communication practices, and a willingness to challenge behaviour that crosses boundaries.

Seeing the signs earlier

Abuse is not always sudden. Sometimes it is gradual. Sometimes it is hidden behind trust, status, familiarity or charm.

That is why conversations about grooming, coercive control and red flags are so important. They help parents, carers, young people and communities recognise patterns earlier. They also remind us that safeguarding is not about suspicion; it is about awareness, boundaries and protection.

At Relate NI, we support individuals, couples and families to understand relationships, communicate safely and recognise harmful patterns. We believe that building awareness of healthy and unhealthy relationships is an important part of prevention.

Ending Violence Against Women and Girls

Violence against women and girls does not begin at the point of crisis. It is often rooted in harmful attitudes, unhealthy relationship patterns, coercion, control, entitlement and the normalisation of behaviours that should never be accepted.

Relate NI has a role to play in helping people recognise the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, understand consent and boundaries, and identify the early signs of coercion, control and abuse.

Through our counselling services, education work and programmes such as Respectful Relationships and Relate-Ed, we support conversations with adults, young people and communities about respect, communication, safety and equality in relationships.

Ending violence against women and girls requires a whole-community response. It means challenging harmful behaviours before they escalate.  Relate NI is committed to being part of that change.

 

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