Effective Listening

Effective Listening

“You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve said, have you?”  I thought “That’s a strange way for my partner to start a conversation…”

We know that meaningful and effective communication is essential to our function and growth as people. However, today’s insistence on speedy interactions has undoubtedly produced quicker results but at the expense of quality and resilience.

These days we want our food, coffee, music, fashion and impulse purchases in an instant. So communication, like many other aspects of our lives, has been affected by our increasingly insatiable desire for speed. The impulse for instant gratification can be seen in the rise in popularity of instant messaging. While getting questions or comments out quickly does have its benefits, all too often we focus solely on what we say rather than what we hear.

Just so we are crystal clear here people; listening is not the same as hearing. While hearing is a physiological process, listening is a conscious process that requires us to be mentally attentive. Effective listening is more than a simply a mental process; to ‘hear’ the listener must not only understand what is being said verbally, but also the non-verbal communication that informs what is said. This refers to the communication goals of both sender and listener, and the context framing the act of speech.

Think about how much information you get every day from listening. Your partner, your colleagues, your friends, and your children may communicate with you often. But have you really thought about how much of what all these people say do you pay attention to? How much are you actually remembering from these conversations? On reflection, it could be much less than you think!

At times, we may act like we are listening to the other person. But the reality is that our minds are racing to other topics (what am I making for dinner this evening?, who is picking the kids up? etc. or we already planning what we’re going to say in return when there is a chance for me to speak in the conversation. What this means is that we can miss important things that the other person is saying to us.

Active Listening is when you make a conscious effort to hear and understand people so that you get the complete message. There are several things we can do to become an active listener. First and most importantly, we need to pay attention. For example, making eye contact with the person talking to you. We need to try and ignore outside factors, like other conversations, the television, our phones; so that you can focus solely on what the person is saying. We really need to be present, which means putting our own thoughts on hold. Resist the urge to start planning out what you’re going to say in return. I know it is difficult but it does improve with practice.

We also need to show the other person that we are listening to them. We can nod our heads, smile, and say “yes” occasionally. All of these signals let the other person know that you’re still with them.

Providing feedback on what the other person has just said is another important part of active listening. For instance, all of us hear information through our own personal filters and judgments, which can impact on our understanding. To make sure we have heard and understood the message correctly, paraphrase it or repeat it back to the person.

We also need to avoid interrupting people when they are speaking. Once they have finished, we can respond appropriately with an honest answer or opinion.

Active listening is a skill that all of us should use more often. The better we are at listening, the more information we will receive. This can massively improve our communication skills, and sustain healthy relationships with family, friends and colleagues.

Kellie O’Dowd 

« »

“How Relate NI helps people”

Very Interesting Content. I like the concept of preparing your relationship before you have problemsService Attended Sustaining Healthy Relationships – Surestart 4
The face to face programme has made me feel connected with others experiencing similar thingsService Attended Sustaining Healthy Relationships – Surestart 3
The workshops made me more confident to balance family life after the baby's arrivalService Attended Sustaining Healthy Relationships – Surestart 2
I now have a better understanding of myself, it is good to know that it is normal to have argumentsService Attended Sustaining Healthy Relationships – Surestart 1
I felt the weekly questionnaire, couples with the counsellor's understanding of my needs help contribute to my own understanding of my mental health and needs throughout.Service Attended Adult Relationship Counselling for Individuals
I loved every session. Our counsellor listened to what we had to say and gave us helpful wee homework - would recommend this service to everybodyService Attended Adult Relationship Counselling for Couples
Our counsellor was a fantastic support - we now feel strong enough to continue working on our relationship togetherService Attended Adult Relationship Counselling for Couples
I had a very good counsellor that helped me through a lot and it has made me come out the other side.Service Attended Adult Relationship Counselling for Individuals
Counselling took us from a bad place to a good one and I would return if neededService Attended Adult Relationship Counselling For Couples
Been a lifeline to help us fall in love again - forever grateful!Service Attended Adult Relationship Counselling For Couples
I would just like to say that when I first came for counselling I felt that I was drowning.  I have completed my sessions and I now feel that I can cope a lot better with everything.  Thank you for a brilliant service.Service Attended Adult Relationship Counselling For Individuals
Thank you Relate NI for a good nights sleep.Service Attended Relate NI Kids Counselling
Really enjoyed Relate NI and I'm actually going to miss counselling.  I Found it helpful to find myself again. Very fair and equal within our relationship.Service Attended Adult Relationship Counselling For Couples
I appreciated the straightforward, helpful and informed observations about situations. It really helped me cope during Christmas which is a difficult time for usService Attended Family Counselling
The counsellor was very pleasant to meet with.  They had the necessary skills to speak and listen when appropriate.  I liked their humour and good personality.Service Attended Family Counselling
Relate NI has helped me move on as well as understand myself and situation more.  My counsellor listened to me, facilitated me and was compassionate!Service Attended Relate NI Teen Counselling
I felt the weekly questionnaire, coupled with counsellor's understanding of my needs helped contribute to my own understanding of my mental health and needs throughoutService Attended Adult Relationship Counselling For Individuals
We had four funded sessions and cannot express how grateful we are for the help, guidance and knowledge. Our counsellor was incredibly professional, and her experience and obvious passion for helping couples like us was exceptional. She helped us to understand ourselves and each other like we otherwise never would have been able to.Service Attended Adult Relationship Counselling For Couples
I have tried counselling many times in the past. This time actually made a difference. I was able to complete online sessions as well as some face to face.Service Attended Adult Relationship Counselling For Individuals

    Reach out to Relate NI






      Get relationship tips by email

      By submitting your details,you are confirming you consent to our processing of
      your personal data. Please see our privacy policy for further details